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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22772047">laid bare</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit'>halfwayinit</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>EastEnders (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, but hopeful in the end, lots of sadness and feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 05:42:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>512</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22772047</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/halfwayinit/pseuds/halfwayinit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>in which ben’s counsellor advises him to write to deal with his grief. and he figures, what has he got to lose?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell, Paul Coker/Ben Mitchell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>laid bare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wrote this at about 2:30am last night in the notes on my phone, and i completely forgot about it until right now.<br/>anyways, i feel like i might aswell post it.<br/>forgive me for my mistakes, i’m sure it’s not the best thing i’ve ever written lol</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When his counsellor suggests he start writing, he’s almost sure he’s misheard her. “Think about it Ben” she presses on gently, “Writing down your feelings can help you to heal, to forgive yourself and begin to rebuild.” </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Her words stick with him the entire journey home, and he had promised Callum he would take this seriously, so he tries. He sits at the kitchen table that evening when the house is quiet and empty, brand new notepad opened on its first page, pen at the ready. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Blank. His mind is completely blank. Makes a change, he supposes. Usually he can’t get his brain to shut up, but the one time he wants it to work it fails him. Sums it all up really. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">His counsellor, Maria, she never told him what exactly to write. And when he asked, she wasn’t much help. “It can be anything” she’d said, smiling at him in a way that Ben knew said ‘please just try’, “just write what you feel.” Well Ben feels a lot of things, and not many of them are pretty. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He decides on a letter. He’s sure he’s read somewhere before that writing a letter to someone knowing they’ll never read it can be quite therapeutic. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He starts with ‘<em>Dear Paul..</em>’. The letters are light and loopy but still manage to burn into Ben’s eyes. What could he possibly say? How could he ever convey in words how much he misses Paul? How much guilt he carries over his death and how he felt for a long time that he didn’t ever deserve to move on with his life after Paul had lost his. Until Callum. Callum who guided him back towards the light and showed him just how loved and capable of loving he really is. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">No, a letter is far too painful for now. He rips out the page and crumples it into a ball, throwing it across the table. Tears are pricking his eyes and he’s starting to curse Maria for ever suggesting this ridiculous exercise at all.</span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He leaves it for a while, sips on a warm cup of tea and tries to stop his mind wandering back. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Paul. His dad. Cheating. Lying. Coming out. Never feeling good enough. Death. Destruction. A heart never to be whole again. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Then, Callum. Light. Love. Forgiveness. Happiness. A sliver of hope at healing, of feeling worthy of love. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">He picks up the pen and writes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">Guilt and grief and love pouring from his heart to the page.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">When he finishes, he reads it over again, tears tracking down his cheeks, vulnerable, heart exposed and open. </span>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1"><span class="s1">‘<em>this</em></span> <em><span class="s2">heart of mine</span> </em></p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">it has felt the cold hand of grief </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">squeeze and squeeze and squeeze </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">and almost shatter </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">pieces dead and buried with the ones we couldn’t keep</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">its saving grace </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">the warm embrace </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">of first time love </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">burning burning burning</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">until that icy hand returns again, and the warmth no longer there</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">all this heart of mine has endured </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">yet here it is </span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">beating</span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">beating </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">beating </span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">no longer whole</span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">but still, </span> </em>
</p><p class="p1">
  <em> <span class="s2">it beats’</span> </em>
</p><p class="p2"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope this was okay!<br/>find me on tumblr @halfwayinit</p></blockquote></div></div>
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